


liminal space

by minaahmed



Category: Original Work
Genre: F/F, Female Character of Color, LGBTQ Character, LGBTQ Character of Color, LGBTQ Themes, POV Character of Color, Trans Female Character
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-07
Updated: 2019-11-20
Packaged: 2021-01-24 23:54:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,440
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21346867
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/minaahmed/pseuds/minaahmed
Summary: Zeinab Hamid will finally get her best friend to notice her this year. this has been her resolution for two years now, but this year is different. no one will stop her, not her best friend, Brad himself–yes that's his name, which goes to prove the depth of her affection, not even a bland name could set them apart. And definately NOT the perfect white princess his racist mother wants to set him up with. no matter how attractive, beautiful and smart the girl turns out to be.
Relationships: zeilith, zeinab and lilith, zeinab hamid and lilith harrington
Comments: 2
Kudos: 5





	1. roots

**Author's Note:**

> tw for:  
transphobia and death of a parent.

My mama told me about bonsai trees once.

How they’re grown in small pots to restrict their growth, twisted to conform to a certain shape.

But once you take one out of its small pot and plant it into the ground,

_it grows and grows and grows. _

Whenever I’d feel guilty for uprooting her life, she’d tell me that I was her roots.

That she’d follow any road and land where I would be free to grow.

She would say things like,

_You're the best daughter I could’ve asked for. _

_Always have been. _

And,

_I wouldn’t have wanted any other child. _

And,

_As long as we have each other, that’s more than enough. _

And,

_You’re worth it. _

_You’re worth it. _

_You’re worth it. _

And I’d ache and ache and ache.

With how much I loved her.

For the bad things we’ve been through.

But for the happy things too.

For the place we made our own.

And she’d wipe away my tears, kiss me and say,

Sometimes tears are a happy thing.


	2. What he knows

Yes, everyone knows that story, the one where the poor girl gets the scholarship, meets the cute guy who happens to be extremely rich. and of course he’s white. Even his eyes are blue, it’s that sad.

The boy likes how different she is, so exotically poor, standing there with her cheap clothes and glamour—And no, he doesn’t bully her because he has a dark past and mommy issues, it’s not that kind of story.

In this one, they talk, they become friends then best friends. But here’s the catch, the guy doesn’t fall in love with the girl. He treats her like a sister like an absolute moron, not noticing just how much the girl likes him. And I mean like like him, the idiot in question is chewing on an overpriced sandwich right in front of me.

"yeah, sure." I say, pretending to listen while sucking up my milkshake through the straw, except I've already bitten into it for so long that the liquid gets stuck inside it. I frown at the he indents of my teeth, I guess that’s what I get for harming the environment. Fuck plastic straws. Fuck them to hell. I suck harder but the liquid is stuck—just like me in this conversation. Huh, that was a good metaphor, why on hell my high school English teacher hated me, I have no idea.

“because you sneaked into his office and spilled your latte all over his brand new laptop then pretended you never did .” Brad says, ever the helpful person. I hadn’t even realized I'd spoken out loud.

“he didn’t have any proof!” I say, “there were like a million other students in that class. I was just discriminated against because I was the only brown kid in—”

“you left your coffee cup behind,” he counters and damn, I really should stop telling him stuff, “no one else drank from that hole-in-wall coffee shop you liked. You came the day after with the same latte with the same kind of paper cups.”

“i was supporting local businesses, capitalism is tearing this world apart!” I say as I steal away his straw, blowing into it first to let out the droplets of the disgusting carrot shake he’s drinking. This counts as stealing from the rich so it’s also a move against capitalism.

“here,” I say, chucking my ruined straw at him as compensation. He is my friend after all.

“why, thank you.” he says dryly, putting it aside, and drinking straight from the cup.

“as I'd been saying,” he glares at me for interrupting him with my weird outburst. I just smile at him until he cracks, and a smile start to light up his cute face, ugh.

“I'm really thankful you decided to do this.” he says, and I freak.

I hadn’t been listening. What the hell had I agreed to. I had perfected the art of zoning out and just agreeing with whatever I hadn’t been listening to. It was a foolproof plan, only got me in trouble two times out of five. which are good chances, I'd say. 

“you hadn’t been listening.” he accuses

“no, no,” I say just to prove him wrong, “i swear I have been listening, you were talking about...” I start to make circles with my fingers. Hoping the movement will refresh my unconscious memory somehow. “your mother and how she...” I stop, that was the last thing I'd caught from his conversation, in my defense he’s a lot cuter when I tune his words out.

“yes, the dinner. It really means a lot to me.” he finishes for me, satisfied that I had been listening, I start to feel bad but then his words sink in.

Dinner.

With Martha.

I agreed to have dinner with Martha, oh god.

“I—” I start to interrupt fast, trying to find a way to get out of this.

I _will not_ be having another dinner with Martha.

“especially with Lilith Harrington visiting, you can only imagine how awkward that will be.” I snap my mouth shut as the gears start to turn in my head.

_Lilith Harrington._

I _will be_ having another dinner with Martha.

_Lilith Harrington._

The perfect girl Martha doesn’t stop talking about. I had convinced myself that she was simply a segment of Martha's imagination. Made specifically to annoy me and make me feel inferior, but she’s real. The girl who went on an exchange program to the middle east to help the less fortunate instead of taking the luxurious internship she had lined up at her famously rich dad’s firm. That's how Martha put it, looking at me while she said it with that fake smile of hers before adding,

I'm sure you know all about that Zeenub.

that’s how she pronounces me name, yes. And since I'm Egyptian, I qualify as a less fortunate middle eastern soul to her.

_Lilith Harrington. _

_Lilith Harrington. _

_Lilith Harrington. _

I will not let racist Martha win.

My eyes snap to Brad’s clear blue eyes.

“sure, I'll do it!” I say cheerfully. He looks surprised, like he’d fully expected me to make an excuse. To back out. Oh, if only he knew.


	3. What he doesn’t know

I take a deep breath, and stare at the lecture hall door. I let the breath out, close my eyes and hear mom’s words inside my head, in my bones, repeating over and over and over:

_Feel the earth beneath your feet. _

_The heavens change but the earth never does. _

_Feel the earth beneath your feet. _

_The earth will always be there for you. _

I open my eyes, and the lecture door is just so big and frightening and—oof

someone shoulders me in their way in, I just stare. he doesn’t even apologize as he goes inside. I glare at the back of his blonde head.

White boys are the worst.

Well, that settles it. Dramatic moment over.

I walk in sulkily, having had my anxious moment ruined so thoroughly. the second I enter though, it’s dumb loud chatter and heterosexual PDA and stupid faces.

And huh. These things make me feel grounded somehow. Like they’re some of the basic laws of the universe. Wherever you go, one thing is constant– heterosexuals are the worst.

I settle in a seat near the back, and take out my notebook and robin—my favorite pen. Yes, it has a name.

The professor enters, a white man with a balding head and the ugliest knitted sweater I've ever seen, you’d think it’s was Christmas. I check the date on my phone to make sure and no, it’s still September. No quantum time jump has happened since five minutes ago.

He introduces himself and starts describing the class, and god, nobody cares, old man. Move it along. I mean, okay I'm sure some do but a lot of us are just poor freshmen having to take this mandatory philosophy class and listen to an old cis white man talk about moral issues.

I close my eyes for a bit, I hadn’t gotten much sleep last night, my roommate had the lights on doing her skincare routine until the wee hours of the morning. Which you go girl, keep that face exfoliated, but some of us like the look of a good night’s sleep on our faces.

I talk a lot of shit, well think it, but I couldn’t find the heart to tell her to stop moving around. I didn’t want her zits and breakouts on my conscious.

I'll just close my eyes for a couple of minutes.

* * *

I startle awake. The kid next to me had woken me up, the professor is calling attendance, I thank them even though my name starts with a z so it’ll be a while before I'm called. I look around at the bored faces for the time being and spot the blonde-head.

Suddenly, I'm thankful the kid had woken me up at the very beginning of the list. I wanna know his name. I turn towards the kid beside me and repeat my thanks a lot more enthusiastically. They look at me like I'm crazy, but I just smile and turn my head back to the front of the class. Head trained on my subject.

Asshole.

“Bradley Schondelmeyer.” the professor calls and he raises his hand.

I laugh to myself.

Of course, his name would be Bradley.

And the last name, jesus.

He drops his hand and the professor calls out more names, I hate having a z name. I consider closing my eyes again but decide against it. Then it’s my turn.

“Zee-neb A-mid.” I look around for a second and no, he’s really calling for me. I have encountered many versions of my name in my life, never have I ever heard someone drop the H.

“Hey, it’s Zei-nab Hamid, sir.” I say, because when you’re like me, you get used to not letting people walk all over you. He looks shocked for a second then says,

“You can’t expect me to know how every name in this hall is pronounced, miss A-mid.” he says, “especially if it’s not from our culture.”

I wanna ask him what culture, but instead decide to go for the next best thing.

“you just called blonde-head over there, Brad school-mayor-whatever's name, and did so perfectly, though.” I say, everyone in the hall turns to look at the boy, his eyes widen and he turns his head to stare at me in shock but what? He started it.

“of course, miss A-mid.” he still says, lips curling a bit. “noted. Now if you’ll allow us to continue” he moves on to call a couple more names. Then it’s over and we’re out. I navigate through the crowd.

I survived it.

I walk out and breathe deeper, and oh god, I wish I hadn’t. Showers really should be a mandatory thing. Most of the kids here are filthy rich, yet they’re still filthy. Not sure this is what the word advertises.

I hear someone call my name and stop in my tracks, it doesn’t sound like the professor but what if it’s him, I can’t get in trouble, they’ll call my father. Jesus Christ. I consider just ignoring him but that would make it worse. I slowly turn my head already planning my apology; it has to be convincing but I see the blonde-head staring back at me.

Bradley school-mayor-whatever.

“uh, yes?” I say, I guess I do owe him an apology, but I'd rather cut my hand off than apologize to that assho—

“I'm sorry about what happened in there.” he says, with a kind? smile, “i just wanted you to know that I understand and didn’t take it personally or anything.”

I wanna tell him that it was in fact personal but I stop and stare.

Huh.

He really does seem genuine.

And kinda hot.

“is this some sort of kill them with kindness technique?” I tilt my head and stare some more.

“no,” he says with a chuckle and holds his hands up, “i swear it.”

“okay,” I draw the word out. Still cautious.

But hear my mom’s voice inside my head.

_Give people a chance. Allow them to surprise you and they will. _

_Yeah unpleasantly, I'd say and she’d laugh and ruffle my hair. _

I open my eyes. I didn’t realize I'd closed them in the first place. He's staring back with a smile still. Patiently waiting. Well, There goes nothing.

“I'm sorry,” I say, “I tend to strike out when nervous.” I don’t know why I'd told him that. He doesn’t give a shit, Zeinab. Just apologize and go. But his eyes are still kind and he says,

“i can see that. Well,” he grins and wow, he really is cute. “brad school-mayor-whatever” he puts his hand out and I laugh.

“Zee-neb A-mid.” I say, shaking his hand.

We stare at each other, both of us smiling.

_And I never told him but he’d replaced the earth for me that day. _


	4. Things are changing

I take a deep breath and stare at the wide mansion door. This night is going to suck. I let the breath out slowly and hear B’s words repeat inside my head over and over and over:

_I'm not going anywhere, you know that, right? _

_You can let go _

“you nervous?” Brad whispers in my ear, teasingly and for a second, I think I've gone crazy. But no, he’d sneaked up on me. The real version. I paid for an Uber because he said he’d get here earlier and I didn’t want more Martha time but here he is. Late as usual.

“shut up.” I shove him away, grateful for my inability to blush. He pretends to be hurt clutching his side and making an oof sound.

I look down and take another breath.

“hey,” he says, and I look up into his eyes. “it’s gonna be okay.” he says, voice serious now, grin nowhere in sight.

“of course, stupid.” I reply, smiling through the nerves, “you’re so over-dramatic sometimes, it’s just dinner.” I scold, and he grins and crushes me against his side. I'm about to ask him why he smells differently when the door swings open.

“Oh, Bradley.” Martha says, picking at her dress for invisible lint. “I thought I heard your car pull up, you’re late.” she finally looks up and her mouth snaps shut, Her eyes widen then turn cold.

She's seen me. Yay.

“Zeinab,” she says, butchering my name as usual. “i didn’t realize you were coming.” her glare turns to Brad.

“welcoming as always, Martha.” I say, knowing she hates it when I call her by her first name. She opens the door wider and steps aside, letting us in. I walk ahead and hear her whisper that she’d talk to Brad about this later.

I leave them to it and take a right turn instead for the kitchen to check on Linda—yes, the entire household shares the bland-name curse. I hear her humming before I see her, I stand there in the doorway for a bit. A smile on my face because Linda can’t sing for shit. It doesn’t stop her from doing it all the time, though. it’s a good thing she’s protective of her kitchen, it means no one else is around to suffer through her daily mix tape. I watch her sway as she puts an apple pie in the oven and try to muffle my laugh but apparently, I don’t do such a good job because her head turns and she sees me and shakes her head then motions for me to come and get my hug. I walk into her arms and squeeze tight. I always liked the way she smelled like cinnamon; it fits her whole motherly vibe.

“hasn’t anyone ever told you not to spy on people?” she scolds, squeezing me just as tightly.

“don’t try it,” I step back and try not to laugh. “there’s just no way you can sound authoritative after I watched you shake your booty to your own rendition of ‘don’t stop believing’”

she swats at me with the towel she’s holding and gets back to business, doing what I can only describe as magic since I don’t speak kitchen talk. She pauses when she realizes I'm still there and narrows her eyes at me, which doesn’t feel very welcoming. I tell her so and she shakes her head.

“out with it.” she says. Alright then.

“so,” I try to give off a casual air, going as far as to lean against the counter. “what’s the new princess like?”

“like you haven’t goggled her yet.” Linda rolls her eyes.

“it’s googled,” I correct her, “and I have done no such thing.”

she looks up from the cucumber she’s currently cutting to showcase her raised eyebrows, like I hadn’t seen them.

“okay, okay,” I break. I've never done well with silence; it makes me confess faster than any words ever could. “i googled her, but you always have to make sure what kind of person you’re letting into your home. I'm not stupid like Martha, I had to do some research.”

“she’s known Lilith since she was a little a kid.” she counters, “Brad has, too.”

like I would ever forget.

I sulk for a moment until Linda takes pity on me and speaks again.

“So, what did you find on that Larry app?” ever since Brad mentioned that the twitter mascot was named after Larry Bird, she’s been calling it Larry. I don’t know where the hell Brad knows that shit from. Or why. 

“I know that she’s hot as fuck” I say absentmindedly then realize my mistake. What the hell.

“watch your mouth.” she scolds.

“i know okay, you’re right.” I say, patting her shoulder. “let me say that again—she’s not fucking hot, she’s okay looking, I guess”

“I had clearly meant the swearing.” she says, eyes laughing.

Oh.

Silence.

Shit.

“well, I better go check on them.” I mumble and walk away. Time to face the music. I hear Linda’s soft laugh behind me.

This night is going to suck.

* * *

they’re already seated when I enter the dining room, no surprise here. Martha is sitting at the head of the table, Brad to her left, his back to me, and the princess to her right.

Which means I'm face to face with her the second I step into the room.

And holy shit is she pretty.

I wanna punch her in the face.

that’s how pretty she is.

she stands up the second I enter for some reason, eyes wide and on me which sucks because now I can’t be subtle about checking her out. Gauging the competition. she’s wearing a black dress, the dining table is preventing me from finding out how short it is, it's way too big and thick for no reason, I always hated that table. I don’t know why I want to know the exact length. Her eyes are green, and for some reason, all I hear in my head is mama’s voice.

_“if you’re not careful growing mint,” she says while she waters the plants, we wake up everyday, have breakfast then go out into the garden. And I watch while she waters all the plants, I tried to help her once but that proved disastrous.“it will take over your entire garden. Like ink in water.” _

_“so why do it?” I ask. Sure mom didn’t want her plants turned into mint zombies! _

_“just because something’s hard, doesn’t mean it’s not worth the fight” she smiles, staring at me, I don’t know why her eyes are filling with tears. _

_I thought she was happy, I don’t like it when mama’s sad. _

_I tell her that and she tells me that sometimes tears are a happy thing and I don’t get it but I nod and nod and nod, pretending I understood. _

_I will only ever let her tears be happy, I thought. _

I snap back into the present. Her mint green eyes are still staring at me. I take a deep breath, push the lump in my throat down, down , down, until I can’t feel it anymore. Her brows are furrowed and I'm annoyed she’s already seen the crack in me this fast. I glare at her and move to take the seat next to B. Martha stopped talking when I entered, my presence having been announced by her highness when she stood up. No doubt she wanted to gain points with Brad through me, she wouldn’t be the first to try it.

“please do continue.” I tell Martha, she glares at me but does continue.

“i was just talking about how wonderful lily is.” she says with a wicked smile, lily not Lilith but lily. She’s staring right at me as she says it. Yeah, sure that’s what she was talking about alright.

I roll me eyes in her face, and her eyes widen a bit. she’s known me for almost four years now, yet she never expects me to talk back, it’s adorable.

“we were discussing the food,” I hear and my eyes snap to the princess’s. She clears her throat even though her voice sounded just fine and continues, “Martha said she made my dinner, herself.”

it doesn’t escape my notice that she’s allowed to use Martha's first name somehow.

“well, thank god you told me, now I know what to avoid.” I say and B snorts beside me. I really appreciate him always hyping my jokes up even when they’re mediocre.

“i have made a perfectly delicious vegan meal for lily.” she says, ignoring my words, entirely. “though, it was a last minute thing. Our cook forgot that she was vegan.”

she glares at me, like that, too, is my fault somehow. God, she cares about the animals too. she’s so perfect I wanna mess her pretty face up.

“it’s no problem really.” Lilith says. And right on cue, Tina walks in with the plates. As if she’d been summoned or something, the universe awaiting the princess’s approval. This is some weird witch business, I swear it. I tear a peace of bread and eat it, glaring at the food like it’s wronged me.

“are you okay?” Brad whispers into my ears, and I nearly fall off my chair, I'd forgotten he was there.

What the fuck is wrong with me tonight.

“I'm okay,” I say. “just thinking about finals.”

“you’ll do just fine,” he says. “even though you sleep through all your classes, I'll never understand.”

“thing is… when you know,” I say tapping his nose. “you know”

“brilliant, how had I never thought of it like that.” he says smiling.

I smile, take a deep breath and check my phone, it's still early but I'm feeling normal for the first time since I'd walked into the room. I look back up. and find Lilith frowning at us two. I smirk, glad to have shown how deep our relationship goes, how comfortable we must have looked together. I'm not easy competition, I scream at her inside me head, which she doesn’t hear. It makes me even angrier that she can’t read my mind. If you can call Tina with the powers of your mind and notice me zone out the second I'd entered the room, you should be able to read minds, goddammit. Tina puts the last plate on the table and wheels the carrier cart away—that’s how dramatic Martha is. I look around at the food on the table and laugh and laugh and laugh. Martha’s staring daggers at me and Lilith is wide eyed, mouth slightly open and B is handing me a glass of water because I laughed my way into a coughing fit. I drink the water and finally find the voice to say,

“you made the salad yourself?” I ask Martha, and her face reddens and I think this it it. I've finally pushed her too far. Martha's gonna kill me.

“yes” she says, eyes not-so-subtly telling me to shut up.

“it just looks like the salad you sometimes get from that fancy restaurant you like.” I comment. “same sauce too.” I point to the sauce that was masterfully emptied into a dipping bowl, the effort is breathtaking.

“i...” Martha starts, “I was inspired by it.” she adds, taking a large gulp of wine. I just smile at my plate which doesn’t have meat, not because I’m a perfect person who cares for the planet like Lilith, it’s because it saves me the hassle of knowing whether or not the meat is halal.

Martha clears her throat, squares her shoulders and says,

_“please tell me more about your exchange program, Lily.” _

And,

_“oh Lily, you’re just so funny.” _

And,

_“amazing how beautiful and smart you are, dear.” _

And I think,

_oh god this is gonna be a long night. _

* * *

It was the longest night of my life.

I never thought a person capable of talking about how wonderful another was for two hours.

I underestimated Martha.

I want to stab myself with the fork in front of me. Hell, it’s not even a normal fork, which annoys me even more. I stab at my dessert.

Lilith is wonderful.

I want to scream.

Brad touches my arm and my eyes snap to his.

“Are you okay?” he says and doesn't wait for an answer, “Lily was talking to you”

“Oh.” I say

_Lily. _

_Lilith. _

_Lily. _

“yes?” I clear my throat. And look up, and holy shit. Her face is so fucking beautiful it should be illegal. I'm so annoyed at how attractive she is that I feel my fire burning behind my mouth again, ready to tear anyone who dares come close apart.

“i was asking about your life in Egypt.” she says innocently, not knowing how annoyed her perfect face is making me.

How any mention of Egypt makes me wanna scream and cry and scream.

I stare at her clear green eyes, blonde hair, straight nose, her lips painted pink. My heart s tarts to speed up, I'm angrier than I thought. She's trying to make me feel included I realize, but for her to think that means I was excluded.

Fuck no. 

“I'd rather not talk about that, thank you.” I say with what I hope is a mean smile. I can sense the laser beams coming out of Martha's eyes, she’d kill me if she could. 

“oh, sorry.” Lilith says softly and I feel like absolute shit but really she deserves it for having such a stupid perfect face and voice and laugh and are those freckles under her foundation? Oh for fuck’s sake.

I grab my glass and swallow down the remaining water. And try to think of anything else. Anything. I decide on the finals coming up. I have so much I need to get done. Contrary to what Brad believes, I don’t get my A’s with magic, I have to power through final weeks, not getting a wink of sleep. I consider taking some of the anxiety pills I was prescribed three years ago. I still have bottles of all sorts of meds, I don’t know if medication can go bad but I'm willing to take that risk. Someone calls my name and its Brad, I realize. Someone had asked a question and was waiting for my response.

“yes, sure, of course,” I employ my renowned strategy. ”i agree.”

“wonderful!” Martha claps, and then all hell breaks loose because I think I hear her say something like,

_you’ll love the apartment, lily. _

And,

_that way you’ll save rent too, his roommate _(me) _doesn’t pay rent. _

And,

_this is amazing, you’ll finally get to catch up with my darling Brad. _

And my ears are ringing, my eyes wide and staring at Lilith while Martha goes on and on and on. She stares back at me,

and god, what the fuck have I just agreed to.

* * *

i’m still in a haze on the drive back with B. I think I might be in shock.

“hey, are you okay?” he says. “you’re awfully quiet, which I appreciate but is something wrong?”

is something wrong? Is something wrong?

“of course, there is.” I say, realizing it came out a little too loudly but whatever.

“is it the thing with lily?” he says and I damn near explode. Everything is lily this, lily that, I will fucking kill everyone.

“why didn’t you repeat the question?” I accuse, even though I know it’s not his fault. I just get immature when angry, but only then.

“i thought you’d heard.” he says. “plus that show before dinner, what is up with you tonight?”

“i just...” I calm down. Try to breathe. I count to three forward and backwards. “i’m sorry.”

“i know.” he says, like it’s the most obvious thing in the world and I almost smile. Almost.

“it’s just that the apartment has always been kind of our thing, you know?” I say.

“and it will always be.” he reaches for my hand and I give it to him. He squeezes it.

“i guess.” I say, and I breathe a little easier.

“plus, you’ll like lily,” he dares to say. “she’s one of the good ones.”

“she’s her father’s daughter.” I snort. And B glares at me, shaking his head and I look at him like, _what? it’s true. _

Edward Harrington.

An absolute tool. he’s one of those conservatives who pretend to be liberal but he’s not fooling anyone. He’s all about ‘family values’ and ‘restoring America’s glory’, yeah, sure let’s get right back to genocide and colonialism, not that we ever left. I’m sure he has the confederation flag on his bedroom’s walls, he probably gets off looking at it. I say that out loud and B sighs.

“just give her a chance.” he says.

_Yeah sure, i’ll get right on that. _

A spoiled, privileged white girl who’s had her entire life handed to her.

_Sure. _

I close my eyes, i’ll just rest for a couple minutes.

* * *

_I wake up to find us in the back seat of a car, it looks like the cars I see in movies, rich people car. That’s what Mohamed used to call them. Tears start rising up my throat and falling down my cheeks. _

_Mohamed. _

_He wanted me dead. _

_He watched and watched while I burned and burned and burned. _

_Mom holds me tighter when she hears the sound of my sobs, I tried so hard not to make any noise but couldn’t. I'll try harder next time, I promise her. She tells me it’s okay, holds me and says things like, _

_you’re being so brave. _

_And, _

_I’ll take care of you now. _

_And, _

_Shh, you’ll be fine now. _

_Don’t worry about a thing. _

_she whispers the words into my hair, more to herself than to me and I close my eyes again, maybe w_ _hen I open them next, I’ll find that all this is just a bad dream. _

_Maybe we’ll be home again, I smile. _

_I try to tell my mom to close her eyes too, that it’s all just a bad dream but my eyes are so heavy, and they hurt so much, it’s like we’re back in the fire again. I try to tell her not to worry, but the words escape me, the shapes hiding behind the fog and smoke in my head so I just close mine. i’ll tell her later. _

* * *

“Zeinab, we’re here.”

I startle awake, my head hitting the window I was leaning against. I try to breathe and I swear for a second, I can smell smoke in the air. I close my eyes and count to three, then breathe, hold it for three then let it out. I do it two more times and once I’m calm, I feel the wetness on my cheeks and wipe it off with the back of my hand.

“Shit. I’m sorry, I wasn’t looking, my eyes were on the road. are you okay?”

“yeah, just a bad dream.” I whisper.

“you hadn’t had one of those in a while, what happened?”

I want to tell him that I feel like everything is changing, that I haven’t been this scared in so long. But I just shrug and curse at myself. What the hell is wrong with me, I’m being so fucking dramatic for no reason.

_Nothing is happening. _

_Nothing is happening. _

_Nothing is happening. _

“I’m okay.” I finally manage to say.

“good. because someone’s taken my parking spot and I’ll have to fight third-floor Aaron in the morning, you’ll be up to it?” he asks, sighing dramatically. He’s trying to make me smile and I love him for it. “I’ll need my ride-or-die with me”

I shake my head and open the car door and step out into the evening air, it’s finally starting to cool down around here, I hate summer with everything in me. B starts the car again. He’ll have to circle around the building to find another spot. I don’t like being holed up in cars for longer than absolutely necessary, he’ll handle it. I walk until I’m at the door of the building and realize that I finally found my voice again. I call for Brad and and say,

“I'll talk to Aaron tomorrow. God, what would you do without me?”

“I would have been just fine, really.” he says, sticking his head out of the window so I can hear him. I take one of my sneakers off and chuck it at the car, aiming for his stupid head but of course, I miss.

He opens the car door and reaches out to grab the shoe I threw then closes it again.

“I’ll have this for now. You’ll need to walk up the stairs without it as punishment.” He says, holding the sneaker and showing it off with one hand hanging out the window and the other on the wheel, he starts driving away.

“aim better next time.” He shouts. And I hold up my middle finger even though he probably can’t see it.

I look down at my feet.

I really didn’t think this through.

I enter the code and walk into the building. I go up the stairs and take out the keys to open our apartment door, it's right then when I realize that I’m still smiling. 


	5. stuff of nightmares

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey, guys, please let me know if this is shitty. i would really like any feedback you can give. even bad feedback (it would save me a lot of time, because i'm new to writing and i don't even know if i'm doing this right.)

Brad and I haven’t properly seen each other in a while. Each of us busy with finals, whenever i’m awake, he’s resting and when i’m resting he’s awake and the times in between, we spend in libraries or holed up in our respective rooms. We made it a rule not to study together because we always end up wasting time joking around. I miss him so, when he texted and asked me to come to the same coffee shop this whole mess started in, I was glad. We haven’t heard from Lilith since that dreadful night. I started to think that maybe I'd dreamt up the entire thing.

_That was the stuff of nightmares._

All I wanted to do was to close this loop and the perfect way to do so was to go back to where it all started, so when Brad chose this place, I didn’t complain like I usually do. It felt like fate. I smile as I enter the place and it smells like coffee and that weird air conditioning smell. The one that is so strong you can almost taste it. It makes me feel like i'm in an over-glorified hospital cafeteria, but i dismiss the thought. absolutely nothing—nothing would spoil my mood today. I walk as I inhale, enjoying the smell of freedom, of possibility,

of this _no-lily-lilith-princess life._

_it’s the stuff of dreams._

_it's such a beautiful day._

And I stumble and correct my footing right before I fall and break my neck—it’d be just my luck. God I bet a broken neck would be better than this.

Lilith is here.

Fucking witch, I knew she was one.

_this is the absolute worst day ever._

How the hell did she know? And then it hits me. I'm gonna kill Brad.

She’s sitting in a small booth with her face to the door, _again, _looking like she owns the fucking place, and it’s not like she’s over-dressed or wearing any jewelry. it’s her stupid face and the way she sits, and the way she scrolls through whatever is on her phone. Probably Instagram, commenting on her fake friends’ pictures, making them all feel inferior without doing anything at all.

don’t ask me how I know, I just do. okay, maybe I don't but i'm sure I was close.

I start to strategize, maybe if I run, she won’t see me. I start to leave but she looks up just in time to catch me mid-turn. I curse at her Instagram friends for not being more engaging.

And then something outrageous happens,

_She smiles._

She fucking smiles and even does a little dorky wave that of course doesn’t look dorky at all on her.

_This is a disaster._

I take out my phone as I walk towards her and text Brad, hoping I'll do fall and break my neck this time.

_Me: I. Am. Going. To. Kill. You._

_Me: you’re dead_

_Me: you better not come because I will genuinely kill you._

I sit beside her in the booth because I won’t let her sit next to B, not even over my dead body.

Its small and L shaped, I'm sure the owners were going for cozy and cute but with it being this shade of green, it’s never gonna happen.

I hate green.

“Hi,” she says, I look up into her green eyes and find them eager for some reason. I don’t know what she’s waiting for, probably for Brad to come join us. Regardless of her immoral wicked reasons, the excitement makes her look even cuter, fuck her, life is so unfair. I stare at her ponytail, it looks so effortless but she probably took two hours to style it. I’ve never spent two hours doing anything, and it makes me angry. She has such a flawless face that i’m just angry at her. And the world.

_Why, Allah and for what!_ I demand inside my head, but try not to let my annoyance show but also to let it show the perfect amount to let her know I don’t like her but not hurt her feelings.

“Hi.” I mumble, trying so hard not to ask her what she’s doing here. “what are you doing here?” I ask, because I'm a failure, apparently. Her eyes widen a bit.

“Brad said we’d meet up here.” she says slowly like she’s talking to a child.

“excuse me,” I say before slipping my phone out of my pocket again, because I’m a failure but _with manners._

_Me: you know I gave you the benefit of the doubt_

_Me: but nope!!!_

_Me: next thing I'll give you is a concussion_

_Me: you better run!!_

I send the text in parts because I know it annoys him when his notifications are messy. I look back up and god she’s just as pretty as she was a minute ago.

“I need a drink.” I realize, I said that out loud and sigh.

“We have just the perfect wine for the this lovely afternoon.” a demon says and I jump. Literally. I look at the source and find that it’s just the waiter, I hadn’t heard him walking up to our booth, and for the first time I realize how busy the place is. I hadn’t really looked around in my horror and dismay of the circumstances in which I always find myself.

I turn my attention to the waiter again. Right.

The perfect wine for this afternoon. Jesus, this country really is obsessed with wine. And pizza. i’ll never understand it. This is supposed to be a coffee shop.

“no, thank you.” I say, trying to muster up all the grace I can manage, which is hard since I just jumped so hard at the sound of his voice that I swear everyone in this cursed place saw a perfect ass-D rendition of me.

“We’re waiting for someone.” Lilith says with such effortless grace that I almost slip and ask the waiter to bring me that bottle of wine. He turns his attention to her and his face breaks into a smile.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

“Sure,” he says and I swear I can hear his lashes fluttering so fast I'm surprised they haven’t given enough of a push against gravity for him to fly. I snort at the image of him having lash wings. He glares at me and continues in what I assume is his sweetest voice, “I hadn’t seen you around here before.”

oh, like he knows every single person in California. No, the entirety of the United States. She of course doesn’t realize this is some basic pick-up line and laps the attention up.

Count me surprised.

“I just moved here,” she smiles and I decide I’ve had it.

“Hey, bro, dude, man.” I say snapping my fingers near his face so he stops staring at her. “We were having a serious conversation, would you mind?” I ask and don’t wait for his response as I angle my entire body towards Lilith and say, “So what did you think about that—uh thing that happened?”

I’m surprised when she plays along and says,

“I think it was of utmost importance.” she says, eyes all serious, she didn't even miss a beat I almost crack a smile.

Almost.

The waiter huffs and leaves. I’d forgotten he was standing over my head. I frown.

“So how is it?” I ask abruptly.

“He’s gone, you know that right?” she says, with a smile so slight you’d miss it if you weren’t paying attention. But I was. Paying attention. And it’s starting to annoy me.

“Having everything in life handed to you?” I say, angry now, I don’t know what’s happening to me. Maybe it’s the stress from all my finals, maybe it’s her—it’s probably her. “Having daddy dearest do all your work for you, for him to claim to be some liberal icon while donating to anti-LGBT organizations and supporting genocide?” I’m almost yelling now. “What’s it like being at best, complicit and a coward and at worst, a terrible fucking human being?!”

“you don’t know anything about me.” she says, her eyes so cold, and it transforms her entire face, her features aren’t as delicate as I thought them to be. No, I'm seeing her face sharpen right in front of me, all angles and and ridges, her face flushed, her eyes flashing every two seconds like she’s psyching herself up to say words that she ends up pushing down her throat and into the very pit of her stomach. Right where I feel fire in mine. And I smile savagely.

_Break, I think._

_Break and scream and prove me right._

“Oh, I know your type just fine.” I say, my voice had turned cold, I’m not screaming anymore. I can feel the cruelty settling upon me. Ice cold and my stomach settles down. “Privileged and spoiled. All you’ve had to do your entire life was to pat your fake eyelashes at people and they fall for it, well, _Amira_, Listen up.” I have absolutely nothing against fake lashes, I don’t even know where i’m going with this. I just know that i’m powerless to stop. I’m in her face now, closer than I had been a moment before, which says a lot because I was already too close. “I’m not like them. You don’t fool me.”

I see her blink way too fast for a beat. Two. Three. Then I feel her face harden back up. It took her a while to process my words, I huff out a laugh.

Of course she’s dumb too.

I see it when her composure shatters and she opens her mouth and _ yes, _i encourage her. Say whatever it is you want to say.

_Break apart and show me what you're made off_

“How—”

“Hey, hey, hey, what’s going on?” Brad’s voice settles over my angry haze and I almost scream at him for interrupting her words. I look around to see people staring at us. Some disgusted, some annoyed, some curious and one concerned. Brad.

“Well, nice of you to join us, have at it.” I gesture to the booth where I just had been sitting, grab my phone and walk straight out of the coffee shop.


End file.
